022. On love, relationships, and being single
From a 25 year old who's never been in a relationship.
In May, I read Eli Rallo’s I Didn’t Know I Needed This, which was the perfect book at the perfect time for me.
It’s a book about dating, flirting, and having fun in your 20s. But it’s also empowering and wise (even for advice coming from a 25-year-old). It’s not the end-all be-all, but they were words I needed to hear.
I’m 25 and I’ve never been in a “real” relationship. I’ve had situationships—some that even lasted months. I’ve been on too many first dates to count. There have been a handful of second and third dates.
I used to think that there was something wrong with me for not being able to make a relationship last. I’ve been told I’m too picky. It made me self-conscious about even talking about dating with other people.
But two years ago I stopped caring about what other people thought. I took the pressure off myself to “get in a relationship.” Because I didn’t want to get into a relationship for the wrong reasons.
My dating experiences (both good and bad) have shaped me into the person I am, and I wouldn’t change it for a thing. I’ve learned SO much about myself in the process. I know what I like and what I don’t like. I know what kind of person I’m looking for.
I don’t think I’m picky at all, actually. I think some people aren’t picky enough. I have standards. I’m asking for the bare minimum, and I refuse to accept less just for the sake of being in a relationship. I know how much value I bring, and I want someone who brings just as much to the table. That is not asking for a lot. It’s asking for what I deserve.
Too many people I know are in relationships that are so tumultuous. Their partners treat them poorly. They are not contributing equitably. It’s hard to watch, but that has also taught me a lot.
Being in a relationship should add value or meaning to your life, not make it more difficult for you.
Transparently, I haven’t been dating as much over the last few months because I’ve had a pretty long streak of bad first dates. They were becoming so draining and not enjoyable anymore, so I’ve allowed myself to step back and not actively pursue a relationship.
I’ve been focusing on myself. On my goals. On my hobbies. On my friendships. And I’ve felt more fulfilled in all other aspects of my life than I have in a long time.
The thing is, it’s okay to want to be in a relationship. It’s okay to feel lonely sometimes. It’s okay to crave connection with another human being.
But it’s not okay to tie your entire self-worth to being in a relationship.
Eli’s book reminded me that dating can and should be fun. You’re just hanging out with another person, and there is no pressure on either side. A date not working out is not a moral failure. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Or with them. It just means you’re not compatible, and that’s okay! It’s completely normal.
In the meantime, continue to pursue yourself. Fill your cup with things that interest you. You can want to be in a relationship, and you can also enjoy life in the process.
Go dancing with your friends. Let yourself be set up on a blind date. Try a new workout class. Go on a double date with your BFF. Learn to bake a strawberry shortcake. You can do both!
I feel like this newsletter was a little all over the place, but I hope it’s a reminder to those in a similar position that you’re not alone. I hope it provides a little bit of comfort.
My DMs are always open <3
Xo,
Jess